Beiträge von WInfin

    Kapitel 1, Szene 2


    Kapitel 1, Szene 1

    So, habe die zweite Szene überarbeitet - und dabei auch deutlich erweitert. Ich mach mal den Thread für die reine Geschichte auf, dort poste ich auch das neue.


    Meine Hauptfrage ist wie sich das so ließt, besonders die Beschreibungen?
    Als zweites wäre wie auch schon beim ersten Teil, was für Informationen ihr aus dem Text über die Welt und die Charactere interpretieren könnt. Ich würde gerne wissen, ob das mit dem übereinstimmt, was ich mir vorstelle

    Meine Geschichte und die Welt dahinter ist vollkommen was eignenes, das ist nur ne Anspielung auf diesen Character die ich da mit eingebaut habe.


    Allerdings steht in dem Text, dass der angebliche "Dschingis Khan" in Wahrheit jemand anders war, der nur dessen Identität geklaut hat. Wie ist das in deiner Geschichte?

    In der Welt dieses LN hat Dschingis Khan nie existiert, so wie ich es verstanden hab. War von anfang an eine Rolle (was für meine Welt auch unerheblich ist), die glaub ich nur eingefügt wurde um zu erklären warum der besagte Character deutlcihe japanische Züge hat obwohl sie aus der Mongolei stammt. ZUmindest ist das das was im Buch selbst passiert

    Hat was mit dem ursprünglichen Worldbuilding zu tun, das stand im Prinzip schon länger fest bevor ich überhaupt mit der ersten Version der Geschichte angefangen hab:


    Die Fraktion (quasi der Staat, wenn man so will, bzw dessen näcshtes Äquivalent innerhalb der Welt) zu der der Charakter gehört sind die "Ulus". DIese sind aus einer art Ansammlung von Anspielungen entstanden, genauer gesagt zwei stück, und darauf aufgebaut dann eine Dritte (und die dritte ist das Mongolenreich).


    Aber naja, eine der Anspielungen sind die Horatio aus den Computerspielfranchise "Endless" (wovon ich Endless SPace gespielt hab), in dem Spiel ist das eine Gruppe von Klonen.


    DIe andere zugrundeliegende Anspielung ist ein Character aus eine Ligt Novel, das ich zum Zeitpunkt gelesen hab als ich die Welt erstmal erschaffen hab: Reki aus Hidan no Aria (ist ein action/ecchi/romance LN) Bitte melde dich an, um diesen Link zu sehen.


    Besagter Charakter ist, in seinem Universum, anführer einer kleinen mongolischen Gruppe die direkt von Dschingis Khan abstammt. Daher kommt die Verwendung von Mongolisch für deren Sprache (wobei das nicht das einzige ist was eingeflossen ist).


    ----------------------------------------------


    TL;DR mongolisch kommt von ner obskuren Anspielung die ich im Worldbuilding gemacht hab.

    Aber ja hier hab ich die zweite Szene:


    Also ja, hier ist meine Hauptfrage ob die Punkte in Cornelias TExt ein guter weg sind um den "seltsamen Rhytmus" darzustellen. Was ich damit meine ist dass sie in ihren Sätzen (zumindest in dieser Sprache, aber das wird erst später erwähnt) an seltsamen Stellen Pausen macht

    Nach gut nem Monat Pause - mit recht viel zu tun zwischen den Jhhren - habe ich mich wieder ins Schreiben eingefunden. Diesmal ist es die Scifigeschichte, die ich wieder anegfangen hab (nicht das bisher im ersten Thread gepostete, das waren nur "Nebengeschichten"), undcih hab für die nächste Version der Fantasygeschichte aber auch schon einen besseren Plan.


    Aber erstmal das hier, da ist die Einleitungsszene. Meine Hauptfrage dazu ist, wie viel man aus der Szene herauslesen kann über die Welt, und vor allem was für Fragen bleiben (um abschätzen zu können, was davon ich eh vorhatte zu beantworten, oder ob es noch dringende Dinge gibt sonst Lücken lassen).

    So, hier jetzt die Szene:


    Ok, nach einiger Besprechung auf nem Dicord habe ich mich entschieden, die GEschichte nochmal grundsätzlich zu überholen, so wie es auch bei der Scifigeschichte kurz davor geschehen ist. Ich habe auch schon nen groben PLan wie die Story aussehen könnte - was mehr ist, als ich vond er bisherigen Version sagen kann.


    Das hier geschriebene könnte so in etwa noch vorkommen, aber etwas später erst. Bis dahin würde ich mcih trotzdem über Rückmeldungen und Gedanken dazu freuen, helfen beim Weiterentwickeln kann das ja schon.

    Nachdem ich das Wochenende über etwas in Blender an nem Raumschiff gearbeitet hab, hab ich heute wieder geschrieben. MIt dem hier ist Kapitel 1 jetzt abgeschlossen.


    So, bin gerade eben damit fertig geworden, den bereits bestehenden Teil von Kapitel 1 zu überarbeiten. das heißt alles was nach dem hier kommt ist dann komplett neu


    EDIT: ich habe noch ein paar zeilen hinzugefügt,l die sache mit dem Unterschreiben. Für noch etwas mehr Worldbuilding.


    Hier der zweite Teil des Prologs:


    Nachdem ich die letzten zwei Wochen krank war und mich auf nichts konzentrieren konnte, hab ich nach Rückmeldungen zur Satzstruktur die Tage meine Geschichte nochmal überarbeitet - und dabei noch ein paar kleine Details hinzugefügt. Bin jetzt mit dem Prolog fertig geworden, als nächstes kommt entsprechend Kapitel 1 dran.

    Hier die neue Fassung: (ok, ich teile es auf zwei auf durch das Zeichenlimit)

    The setting sun bathed the room in warm red light. Its rays penetrated Lydia's eyelids, as she tried to breathe in and out regularly. In and out, in and out. Her heartbeat resounded in her ears, and over the thumping she nearly missed the voice calling out her name. She quickly looked around. She still sat in the same long, narrow waiting room, but by now around half of the chairs were empty now.


    In the door opposite to her, a tall woman with wavy blonde hair stood. She was maybe ten years older than Lydia, and had her ears covered by a kerchief. She called out Lydia’s name a second time, and flustered, she jumped up. “H-here!”


    Several of the other people snickered, most were silent, and a single pair sitting next top the other door continued their conversation unperturbed. One of the two was a short woman with hazel hair, swinging her hands around as she excitedly pointed out to the other – a blonde woman hanging her arm around a staff – what mistakes she had made in the exam this morning.


    Some of the mistakes Lydia recognized that she had made herself. A bout of dizziness hit her again and she stood for another moment, then followed the one that called her into the room next door. The creaking of the floorboards and the ticking of the large clock standing at the wall resounded almost as deafening in her ears as her heartbeat. The room itself had bare walls and no decoration, the only things in it were the clock, a couple of chairs, and a tall wooden desk. Behind the desk stood an older nordmen man, his brown-black hair and beard sprinkled with grey, as he looked down at an assortment of papers spread over the desk.


    “Please, come here,” he said without looking up. As Lydia closed in, he continued, “Lydia. No last name provided,” and looked up. He locked eyes with her for a second, then his gaze wandered higher up to her forehead. Lydia blinked in surprise ah he spoke further, “Let’s go through your performance in today’s test. First of all, your style was certainly unique. The way you implemented the scroll is something that I have not seen before, but you were too close. With the movement needed to fully focus on your hand, there is a chance that in real fight…”


    Lydia jerked at a sudden scraping noise behind her. She swirled around, to see the woman that had called her in carry two of the chairs over. “Please, sit down,” she said. “I believe it’s better if you do. You too, dean Ackermann” Then she brought the other chair to the man.


    “Is, that so?” the dean said with a confused glance in the woman’s direction. She just closed her eyes and nudged the chair in his direction. He looked at her for a bit more, but ultimately sat down. He once looked briefly into her eyes, before gazing at her forehead again. Lydia traces her forehead with her hand, trying to find whatever he was looking at, but nothing felt off. Her breathing quickened. Panic set in. Was there some discoloring? Or maybe…


    “Lydia,” the woman called out from next to her.


    “N-nai!” Lydia replied with a startled jump, much louder than intended. A moment later, she felt her face heat up. Her whole body tensed up, and she corrected, “I me-mean y-yes. Yes!”


    “Please don’t mind the dean, there is nothing there. And, before he continues, there is something you should know: you have passed the exam. Congratulations, you are now officially a member of Nehrgald’s Adventurer’s Guild.”


    Lydia stared blankly at her for a few heartbeats. Then the construct she had made in her head, all the ways she imagined to be told she had failed, crashed down like a house of cards. All her strength left her, and she slumped against the backrest.


    Somewhere far in the distance, she heard the dean say, “But Eugénie, that comes at the end. This is in the wrong order now.”


    “Sometimes exceptions need to happen. She couldn’t possibly have concentrated in that state,” the woman returned. In the dotted haze before Lydia’s eyes, her face appeared, and she felt something cool against her forehead. After a while, she returned to her senses and shook herself. A small handkerchief flopped to the ground with a wet sound. “Ah, you’re back. Good,” the other woman said with a smile, her voice clear again. Then she held a small bottle out to Lydia, waiting for her to drink, then turned back to the man. “Then we can continue, dean Ackermann.”


    “I… I think we should, yes. Erm, where were we? Oh, wait, you jumped to the end, so should…”


    “Dean, just continue where you left off,” the magister said with a sigh.


    “Oh, yeah. That is a good idea, thanks.” He turned back to Lydia, looking at her ear. “As I was saying, in a real combat situation the movement…” The dean continued to explain where Lydia had made mistakes and how to avoid them. It took several minutes, then he suddenly stood up and walked back over to his desk. He took a small, flat piece of metal, which he proceeded to hand to Lydia. “This is your identification for the guild from now on. Magister les Tilleuls here will collect the temporary one when you leave.


    Lydia’s gaze wandered to the magister as her name was mentioned. Sure enough, with a closer look, she could see the slight outline of a pointed ear shape.


    “As the last point before you can go,” the dean continued, “as usual for the new ones we have assigned you to a party.”


    “As-assigned!?” Lydia exclaimed, looking back at him.


    “You’ll meet your party in room…” he began, unperturbed by her reaction, as he moved his finger across the sheet of paper in his hands. “Ah, here! In room 3. That is all for now. As my colleague has sadly already preempted, welcome to the Guild.” He finished his words with a friendly smile. Then he stood up and went back behind the desk.


    “We’re having people work together for the beginning so they can each point out mistakes to other,” Magister des Tilleuls supplemented from beside Lydia.

    Zitat

    Seine Braut scheint er heute zum ersten Mal zu sehen?

    Nicht ganz das erste mal, aber es waren nur zwei oder drei male davor. Wer sie ist soll später aufgedeckt werden.

    Ichwerde über die EMotionen nochmla drüber schauen.


    ZUm zweiten Teil


    Hm. DAs ist total was anderes als das worauf ich hinaus wollte beim zweiten TExt 😅

    Also es ist keine wirkliche Zeremonie, es ist eher dass sie gesagt bekommen, ob sie die Aufnahmeprüfung bestanden haben.

    MEine Idee war, dass die MAgister erkennt, dass LYdia grade extrem nervös ist und das Ergebnis vorweg nimmt, damit sie sich entspannen kann (wofür sie extra noch stühle aus dem anderen Raum holt. DAmit auch beide sich setzen können, und nicht der Dekan komplett nach unten redet).

    Der Dekan (der über den MAgistern steht) ist zwar in der VErwaltung gut (ok, das sieht man hier nicht wirklich), aber er ist sehr ...Ritualisiert, wird also durch die plötzliche Änderung der Reihenfolge aus dem Konzept gebracht. (nicht dass ich ihn als schlecht darstellen will, nur als nicht der beste im Umgang mit menschen. LEichte autistiusche Ader, etwas stärker als bei mir, dadurch dass er aus dem Konzept gebracht wird)

    The setting sun bathed the room in warm red light. Its rays penetrated Lydia's eyelids, as she tried to breathe in and out regularly. In and out, in and out. Her heartbeat resounded in her ears, and over the thumping she nearly missed the voice calling out her name. She quickly looked around. She still sat in the same long, narrow waiting room, but by now around half of the chairs were empty now.


    In the door opposite to her, a tall woman with wavy blonde hair stood. SHe was four, maybe five years older than Lydia, and had her ears covered by a bandana. She called out Lydia’s name a second time, and flustered, she jumped up. “H-here!”


    Several of the other people snickered, most were silent, and a single pair sitting next top the other door continued their conversation unperturbed. One of the two was a short woman with hazel hair, swinging her hands around as she excitedly pointed out to the other – a blonde woman hanging her arm around a staff – what mistakes she had made in the exam this morning.


    Some of the mistakes Lydia recognized that she had made herself. A bout of dizziness hit her again and she stood for another moment, then followed the one that called her into the room next door. The creaking of the floorboards and the ticking of the large clock standing at the wall resounded almost as deafening in her ears as her heartbeat. The room itself had bare walls and no decoration, the only thing in it was a tall wooden desk, behind which an older nordmen man stood. His brown-black hair and beard were sprinkled with grey, and he looked down at an assortment of papers spread over the desk.


    “Please, come here,” he said without looking up. As Lydia closed in, he continued, “Lydia. No last name provided,” and looked up. He locked eyes with her for a second, then his gaze wandered higher up to her forehead. Lydia blinked in surprise ah he spoke further, “Let’s go through your performance in today’s test. First of all, your style was certainly unique. The way you implemented the scroll is something that I have not seen before, but you were too close. With the movement needed to fully focus on your hand, there is a chance that in real fight…”


    Lydia jerked at a loud slapping noise behind her. She swirled around, to see the woman that had called her in carry two chairs from the waiting room, her hand still at the door. “Please, sit down,” she said before the old man could continue, and placed one chair behind her. “I believe it’s better if you do. You too, dean Ackermann” Then she brought the other chair to the man.


    “Is, that so?” the dean said with a confused glance in the woman’s direction. She just closed her eyes and nudged the chair in his direction. He looked at her for a bit more, but ultimately sat down. He once looked briefly into her eyes, before gazing at her forehead again. Lydia traces her forehead with her hand, trying to find whatever he was looking at, but nothing felt off. Her breathing quickened. Panic set in. Was there some discoloring? Or maybe…


    “Lydia,” the woman called out from next to her.


    “N-nai!” Lydia replied with a startled jump, much louder than intended. A moment later, she felt her face heat up. Her whole body tensed up, and she corrected, “I me-mean y-yes. Yes!”


    “Please don’t mind the dean, there is nothing there. And, before he continues, there is something you should know: you have passed the exam. Congratulations, you are now officially a member of Nehrgald’s Adventurer’s Guild.”


    Lydia stared blankly at her for a few heartbeats. Then the construct she had made in her head, all the ways she imagined to be told she had failed, crashed down like a house of cards. All her strength left her, and she slumped against the backrest.


    Somewhere far in the distance, she heard the dean say, “But magister des Tilleuls, that comes at the end. This is in the wrong order now.”


    “Sometimes exceptions need to happen,” the woman returned. In the dotted haze before Lydia’s eyes, her face appeared, and she felt something cool against her forehead. After a while, she returned to her senses and shook herself. A small handkerchief flopped to the ground with a wet sound. “Ah, you’re back. Good,” thew other woman said with a smile. “Then we can continue, dean Ackermann.”


    “I… I think we should, yes. Erm, where were we? Oh, wait, you jumped to the end, so should…”


    “Dean, just continue where you left off,” the magister said with a sigh.


    “Oh, yeah. That is a good idea, thanks.” He turned back to Lydia, looking at her ear. “As I was saying, in areal combat situation the movement…” The dean continued to explain where Lydia had made mistakes and how to avoid them. It took several minutes, then he suddenly stood up and walked back over to his desk. He took a small, flat piece of metal, which he proceeded to hand to Lydia. “This is your identification for the guild from now on. Magister les Tilleuls here will collect the temporary one when you leave.


    Lydia’s gaze wandered to the magister as her name was mentioned. Sure enough, with a closer look, she could see the slight outline of a pointed ear shape.


    “As the last point before you can go,” the dean continued, “as usual for the new ones we have assigned you to a party.”


    “As-assigned!?” Lydia exclaimed, looking back at him.


    “You’ll meet your party in room…” he began, unperturbed by her reaction, as he moved his hinger across the sheet of paper in his hands. “Ah, here! In room 3. That is all for now. As my colleague has sadly already preempted, welcome to the Guild.” He finished his words with a friendly smile. Then he stood up and went back behind the desk.


    “We’re having people work together for the beginning so they can each point out mistakes to other,” Magister des Tilleuls supplemented from beside Lydia.