Winfins Fantasystory (Besprechung)

So, ich habe mich jetzt wieder an die Fantasygeshichte gesetzt. Die selbst hat noch keinen Titel (und wie bei der Scifigeschichte gilt, ich schreibe auf Englisch).

Habe jetzt auch erstmal einen Prolog geschrieben dafür.

Wie immer gilt, ich würde mich über konstruktive Rückmeldungen jeder Art freuen.

Hier der Prolog selbst:

Zitat

Jakob stood on a dais, a smile on his face, as he presented his right arm to the priest in front of him. The trees on the roof shielded them from the sun that shone from the spotless blue sky. Despite the shade, it had gotten warm under the suit, and the heavy, green silk fabric with its golden embroidery pressed down on his shoulders.

The Priest held a golden band around his wrist, and he suppressed the urge to draw his arm away at the sudden, cold touch of the metal. The band snapped together with a clanking sound, then the priest produced a small key and locked it. Jakob looked to the woman standing next to him on the right.

She wore an intricate dress, made from several different fabrics, all dyed in a blue that rivaled the sky, interwoven with threads of copper, worn over tanned skin that made his seemed pale in comparison. Her raven hair had been done up, fixed with needles and a net, both also made of copper. Her eyes were closed in a smile, and she too held her arm towards the priest, though she presented her left. He fixed another band to her wrist, the same way he had done to Jakob’s.

Another man walked up to them, clad in the same robes as the priest, though less decorated. He kneeled, and presented a white string to his superior. Jakob’s gaze wandered from him to the courtyard, to the heavy benches made from polished granite, decorated with gold and jewels – and to the people sitting on them. Two dozen men sat there, in suits that were plain, but undoubtedly made from the most expensive materials they could get a hold of. They sat there and looked at him.

A slight twitch went through his cheek, but he forced himself to continue smiling.

He breathed in.

He breathed out.

The priest took the string, then walked behind them and up the dais. He pushed both ends of it through their wristbands at the same time, then held them towards the crowd, and finally tied them together. “Lady Neryja blessed this day with sunshine,” he exclaimed. The booming voice hurt in Jakob’s ears, but he kept his smile. “This day, it is a sign! A sign that Lady Neryja has blessed this marriage also!”

As he shouted the last words, he raised his hands from their arms. Starting with the knot, the whole string started to turn a vibrant purple, similar to the priest’s own garb. The crowd broke out in applause, an orchestra started to play in the corner of the courtyard, and servants poured out of a door, depositing all kinds of food on several tables. From his point of view, Jakob caught a glimpse of the priest putting a small, empty vial back into the satchel around his waist.

A man, sitting alone on the bench in the first row, stood up. The suit he wore was of the same color as Jakob’s, and his short, dark blonde hair sported a slight green hue. He turned to the guests, cleared his throat, and said, “It is done! I want to thank again our friends, no, our allies from Vasilfáros, for this token of alliance. Many of the folk outside, from peasants that have lost their sight of righteousness to foreign firebrands, have tried to hinder us, to drive a wedge between us, but they have failed! All of them have failed! Today is that day that history will be written, and it will be our history!” He raised a fist to the sky.

Jakob swallowed the urge to gag. He breathed in, he breathed out.

He wouldn’t throw a fireball at the Man. At least not today. While all the focus was on the Man, the priest’s assistant loosened the knot and handed Jakob the string.

The Man – Jakob refused to even think of him as his father – droned on. Jakob breathed in, and he breathed out. Something brushed against his hand. The woman next to him, or rather, his wife, had grabbed his hand, and intertwined her fingers with his. Then she leaned against him. It felt strange. Her skin was smooth, and while he had felt smooth skin before, he couldn’t place what was different this time.

He let go, and they walked through the aisle between the guests. They reached out to him, shook his hands, and congratulated him. All the while, he smiled.

◊◊◊

The wall slid up again behind Jakob. It was silent, but he thought his heartbeat must have been loud enough to alert someone. He listened, but no one came even after a minute or so, so he took a deep breath and began to walk. The tunnel he was in led to a small pond, illuminated by moonlight shining in through a circular hole in the ceiling. Voices could be heard through it as well, talking calmly. Step by step, Jakob walked towards the exit, clutching a wooden shape tied to his belt.

Suddenly, his foot slipped. A small stone or two and a handful of dust rolled into the pond. He stood stock still, listening. Whoever was talking continued unperturbed. A small breath escaped his lips, but he interrupted it immediately. Then he continued towards the exit. A stream split from the pond, vanishing into the darkness of the tunnel, and Jakob followed its way. He didn’t dare to run.

He didn’t know how long he had been in the darkness, whether it was ten minutes or ten hours. When he broke out of the tunnel, he noted that the moon hadn’t shifted much though. He took a moment to look at the sky, at the stars, then he turned to the left and broke into a sprint.

He ran up to a forest, along its edge, until he found a trail of trampled dirt. Taking a quick look back, he followed it inside, up to a cabin standing alone between the trees. It looked almost exactly like it did last time he had seen it, over a year ago.

His heartbeat started to quicken once again as he got closer, and he knocked at the door.

Nothing happened. Was he to silent? Or maybe they were away, or even had completely left? What if someone had already found the tunnel, and were on their way here. This would be the first places to look at.

Just as he lifted his hand again, the door creaked open. Through the slit, an eye could be seen, embedded in a head covered by large scales that looked grey in the moonlight. The eye opened wide as it spottdt him.

“Yeva! Yeva it’s me,” Jakob whispered. “I need your help, now.”

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Also, ich habe von anderer Stelle bisher eine Rückmeldung bekommen, dass Jakobs Emotionen gegenüber "der Frau neben ihm" nicht wirklich erwähnt werden, im gegensatz zu anderen.

ANsonsten hab ich ehrlich gesagt nicht wirklich nen plan, wonach genau ich fragen könnte im Speziellen.

ABer ich freu mich schon darauf zu hören wie es ist.

So, bin soeben mit dem ersten Stück vom ertsen Kapitel fertig geworden. Ich weiß noch nicht, wie lange das Kapitel selbst gehen wird, aber ich peile so 1,5-2K als länge an.

In dem Fall würde mich interessieren: sowohl wie immer das mit den Emotionen, aber diesmal auch was man über Dekan Ackermann daraus zu sehen bekommt.

Hier der Text:

Zitat

The setting sun bathed the room in warm red light. Its rays penetrated Lydia's eyelids, as she tried to breathe in and out regularly. In and out, in and out. Her heartbeat resounded in her ears, and over the thumping she nearly missed the voice calling out her name. She quickly looked around. She still sat in the same long, narrow waiting room, but by now around half of the chairs were empty now.

In the door opposite to her, a tall woman with wavy blonde hair stood. SHe was four, maybe five years older than Lydia, and had her ears covered by a bandana. She called out Lydia’s name a second time, and flustered, she jumped up. “H-here!”

Several of the other people snickered, most were silent, and a single pair sitting next top the other door continued their conversation unperturbed. One of the two was a short woman with hazel hair, swinging her hands around as she excitedly pointed out to the other – a blonde woman hanging her arm around a staff – what mistakes she had made in the exam this morning.

Some of the mistakes Lydia recognized that she had made herself. A bout of dizziness hit her again and she stood for another moment, then followed the one that called her into the room next door. The creaking of the floorboards and the ticking of the large clock standing at the wall resounded almost as deafening in her ears as her heartbeat. The room itself had bare walls and no decoration, the only thing in it was a tall wooden desk, behind which an older nordmen man stood. His brown-black hair and beard were sprinkled with grey, and he looked down at an assortment of papers spread over the desk.

“Please, come here,” he said without looking up. As Lydia closed in, he continued, “Lydia. No last name provided,” and looked up. He locked eyes with her for a second, then his gaze wandered higher up to her forehead. Lydia blinked in surprise ah he spoke further, “Let’s go through your performance in today’s test. First of all, your style was certainly unique. The way you implemented the scroll is something that I have not seen before, but you were too close. With the movement needed to fully focus on your hand, there is a chance that in real fight…”

Lydia jerked at a loud slapping noise behind her. She swirled around, to see the woman that had called her in carry two chairs from the waiting room, her hand still at the door. “Please, sit down,” she said before the old man could continue, and placed one chair behind her. “I believe it’s better if you do. You too, dean Ackermann” Then she brought the other chair to the man.

“Is, that so?” the dean said with a confused glance in the woman’s direction. She just closed her eyes and nudged the chair in his direction. He looked at her for a bit more, but ultimately sat down. He once looked briefly into her eyes, before gazing at her forehead again. Lydia traces her forehead with her hand, trying to find whatever he was looking at, but nothing felt off. Her breathing quickened. Panic set in. Was there some discoloring? Or maybe…

“Lydia,” the woman called out from next to her.

“N-nai!” Lydia replied with a startled jump, much louder than intended. A moment later, she felt her face heat up. Her whole body tensed up, and she corrected, “I me-mean y-yes. Yes!”

“Please don’t mind the dean, there is nothing there. And, before he continues, there is something you should know: you have passed the exam. Congratulations, you are now officially a member of Nehrgald’s Adventurer’s Guild.”

Lydia stared blankly at her for a few heartbeats. Then the construct she had made in her head, all the ways she imagined to be told she had failed, crashed down like a house of cards. All her strength left her, and she slumped against the backrest.

Somewhere far in the distance, she heard the dean say, “But magister des Tilleuls, that comes at the end. This is in the wrong order now.”

“Sometimes exceptions need to happen,” the woman returned. In the dotted haze before Lydia’s eyes, her face appeared, and she felt something cool against her forehead. After a while, she returned to her senses and shook herself. A small handkerchief flopped to the ground with a wet sound. “Ah, you’re back. Good,” she said with a smile.

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Bax, das ist jetzt auch die überarbeitet Version von dem, was ich dir schonmal auf Discord geschickt habe

Irgendwie ist der BEarbeiten-buton verschwunden? Oder seh ich ihn bloß nicht mehr?

Naja, egal. ICh hab den letzten Absatz etwas angepasst von dem was ich oben geschrieben hab.

Das was ich heute geschrieben hab ist etwas kürzer, aber ich poste es trotzdem, damit ich was hab. Jeden tag etwas...

Da poste ich auch den überarbeiteten letzten Absatz von dem obendrüber mit.

(ich bin auhc grad etwas müde, daher weiß ich nicht ob das von jetzt etwas erzwungen wirkt. Ich werd morgen nochmla drüberschuen...)

Zitat

“Sometimes exceptions need to happen,” the woman returned. In the dotted haze before Lydia’s eyes, her face appeared, and she felt something cool against her forehead. After a while, she returned to her senses and shook herself. A small handkerchief flopped to the ground with a wet sound. “Ah, you’re back. Good,” thew other woman said with a smile. “Then we can continue, dean Ackermann.”

“I… I think we should, yes. Erm, where were we? Oh, wait, you jumped to the end, so should…”

“Dean, just continue where you left off,” the magister said with a sigh.

“Oh, yeah. That is a good idea, thanks.” He turned back to Lydia, looking at her ear. “As I was saying, in areal combat situation the movement…” The dean continued to explain where Lydia had made mistakes and how to avoid them. It took several minutes, then he suddenly stood up and walked back over to his desk. He took a small, flat piece of metal, which he proceeded to hand to Lydia. “This is your identification for the guild from now on. Magister les Tilleuls here will collect the temporary one when you leave.

Lydia’s gaze wandered to the magister as her name was mentioned. Sure enough, with a closer look, she could see the slight outline of a pointed ear shape.

“As the last point before you can go,” the dean continued, “as usual for the new ones we have assigned you to a party.”

“As-assigned!?” Lydia exclaimed, looking back at him.

“You’ll meet your party in room…” he began, unperturbed by her reaction, as he moved his hinger across the sheet of paper in his hands. “Ah, here! In room 3. That is all for now. As my colleague has sadly already preempted, welcome to the Guild.” He finished his words with a friendly smile. Then he stood up and went back behind the desk.

“We’re having people work together for the beginning so they can each point out mistakes to other,” Magister des Tilleuls supplemented from beside Lydia.

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Als Hauptfrage hätte ich, ob ich das mit dem Ohr so beibehalten soll, oder es doch besser wäre das nicht zu erwähnen, und den leser selbst im späteren VErlauf herausfinden zu lassen, also wenn überhaupt erst später zu erwähnen. (Meine idee damit war, es quasi so darzustellen, dass es für die Charaktere allgemeinwissen ist).
Außerdem, was für eindrücke machen der Dekan und die Magister in dem gesamten?

Zitat

Seine Braut scheint er heute zum ersten Mal zu sehen?

Nicht ganz das erste mal, aber es waren nur zwei oder drei male davor. Wer sie ist soll später aufgedeckt werden.

Ichwerde über die EMotionen nochmla drüber schauen.

ZUm zweiten Teil

Hm. DAs ist total was anderes als das worauf ich hinaus wollte beim zweiten TExt 😅

Also es ist keine wirkliche Zeremonie, es ist eher dass sie gesagt bekommen, ob sie die Aufnahmeprüfung bestanden haben.

MEine Idee war, dass die MAgister erkennt, dass LYdia grade extrem nervös ist und das Ergebnis vorweg nimmt, damit sie sich entspannen kann (wofür sie extra noch stühle aus dem anderen Raum holt. DAmit auch beide sich setzen können, und nicht der Dekan komplett nach unten redet).

Der Dekan (der über den MAgistern steht) ist zwar in der VErwaltung gut (ok, das sieht man hier nicht wirklich), aber er ist sehr ...Ritualisiert, wird also durch die plötzliche Änderung der Reihenfolge aus dem Konzept gebracht. (nicht dass ich ihn als schlecht darstellen will, nur als nicht der beste im Umgang mit menschen. LEichte autistiusche Ader, etwas stärker als bei mir, dadurch dass er aus dem Konzept gebracht wird)

HAbe den vorherigen PArt mal überarbeitet. Änderungen sind in rot hervorgehoben